So, the ‘Joe Baxi’ picks us up around 4-30am and off we go to JLA for our latest visit to Mokum!
There was 8 of us, flying out to celebrate my niece’s 21st birthday! The party included me and the Missus, my daughter, son, niece, nephew and two of their friends who were both Amsterdam virgins!
The trip started badly for me, a nervous flyer, with air turbulence making the plane feel like a speedboat running over choppy waters! To make matters worse, we were forced to circle Schiphol for what seemed like an eternity because planes had to queue to land on auto-pilot because of poor ground visibility!
I nearly crapped myself when we dropped through what I thought was a cloud and the runway came screaming towards us a split second before we hit the tarmac!
We were 45 minutes late landing, but it didn’t really matter ‘cos we couldn’t check in at the houseboat till 2pm! By the time we’d caught the train into the city we still had 3 hours to kill so we went and had some brekky and then hit Barney’s for the first spliff of the trip!
The newbies were awestruck with Barney’s, so 4 of us agreed to go and find the boat, fagging all the bags between us, while the others sloped off to Popeye’s to carry on their mongfest!
I got dicked with my niece’s bag! Fuck me! … What do women pack when they go on holiday? I had 3 shirts, 3 pairs of socks and undies and a change of pants! My niece’s bag felt like it had a dozen house bricks in the cunt!
Still, the owner had assured us the boat was only 5 minutes walk from Centraal Station so I wasn’t too concerned! An hour later, hopelessly lost and sweating like a glassblower’s arse I was starting to change my mind!
No fucker had even heard of the street we were looking for until my nephew had the genius idea of going in a newsagent’s shop and asking for directions there! Luckily the guy knew exactly where we were looking for and with his help we were sat on the boat 5 minutes later!
Me and the Missus were so ‘cream crackered’ after all the stress, weed and bag humping that we decided to pass on the Popeye’s meet up, so while my son and nephew went to find the others we sat on the roof terrace and enjoyed a big fat spliff of the ‘Dr Grinspoon’ I’d picked up earlier in Barney’s!
When the kids came back en masse they found me and the Missus giving it big zeds on the living room settees!
That night, with my nephew navigating, we made our way down to Barney’s! The boat owner was a fuckin’ lying cunt! 5 minutes walk my arse! An Olympic speed walker would have struggled to do it in under 15!
Barney’s was chocker so we went to the new Dampkring instead (the old Pink Floyd) and sat upstairs on the second floor (3rd floor if you’re a ‘Merkin) They now have waitress service in here, which is cool ‘cos you don’t have to keep schlepping up and down all those stairs every time you want a drink!
Just about everyone scored something different off the sizeable weed menu (I got some Red Congolese, WTF?)
Now nicely toasted we had dinner at the Argentinian Steakhouse nearby! I had the lamb cutlets with a jacket potato while most of the kids plumped for the rack of ribs with ‘jockey’s whips’
We headed over to the DeKuil with the intention of making my niece whitey on vapo-bags of Amnesia Haze, but the place was heaving so we decided to kill two birds with one stone and strolled over to the RLD to let the newbies experience the window girls and get stoned into the bargain!
I was surprised to find the ‘Old Church’ had closed so we walked up to the middle of the 3 ‘Bulldogs’ where you can smoke weed and have a drinkypoo at the same time! I was pleasantly surprised when we managed to cop 2 tables side by side that accommodated all 8 of us nicely!
I went to the bar to get lagers for me and the Missus only to see everyone else streaming out of the place behind me!
“Come on, Dad! … They don’t sell weed in here!†said my daughter! “I fuckin’ know that!†I replied “What’s wrong with smoking the shit you’ve already got?â€
I was wasting my breath, they were gone, so me and the Missus necked our beers in one gulp and followed the kids down to the ‘Bulldog’ coffeeshop!
While sipping my latte and tooting on a spliff of their ‘White Widow’ it occurred to me that I’d left my beanie hat on the table back in the bar! “Did one of you cunts pick my titfer up off the table when you split?†I queried.
They all gave a negative response and I flew into an incandescent rage! I’d had that hat since I’d bought it at Barney’s on our first ever trip to Mokum back in 2002, and it had great sentimental value!
One of the kids offered to go and fag it, so I sat there chunnering in my coffee that “Some cunt’s bound to have had it away with my favourite hat!†till he came back 10 minutes later with said hat in hand!
We called in at ‘Popeye’s’ on the way home and got nicely monged on the 'Lemon Haze' for the trek back to the boat!
That night as I was drifting off to sleep I could hear the kids mimicking my hat rage rant and howling with laughter while they sat up on the roof terrace getting ripped!
I couldn’t help but smile myself, but made a mental note to lighten up!
Peace, Des.
Halloween I
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chigusa wrote:nice one, des. how was Liverpool, the fucking bastard?
Weird! ... The departure and arrival lounges are now arse about tit to how they used to be!
I didn't get to touch the foot of John Lennon's statue on the way out this time, which slightly unnerved me!
They still savagely bum fuck you for a bacon butty though!
Peace, Des.
des wrote:I was surprised to find the ‘Old Church’ had closed...
Moved des, i guess the real old church has sunday school...
However, Old Church cs still exists some where else according to Flybynite's website
Look for them at Amstel 8
1017 AA Amsterdam
Great reporting hope you keep em coming!
Red Pleb wrote:I recall your liking for black hash , Des . Sensibly steered clear, on account of silly prices and the likeihood of dashed expectations ?
I got some 'Temple Ball' from Rookies, but after smoking one spliff I put it in my back pocket and forgot about it!
When we emptied out our pockets on the last day it had been squished into a razor thin disc around the size of a ten pence piece and I couldn't scrape the cunt off for love nor money!
It ended up in the bin in the 'Greenhouse Lounge!'
Peace, Des.
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Re: Halloween I
des wrote:So, the ‘Joe Baxi’ picks us up around 4-30am and off we go to JLA for our latest visit to Mokum!
There was 8 of us, flying out to celebrate my niece’s 21st birthday! The party included me and the Missus, my daughter, son, niece, nephew and two of their friends who were both Amsterdam virgins!
Not to pry too much but what's the story with the niece and nephew? Is that your siblings children? What are they up to?!
des wrote:The trip started badly for me, a nervous flyer, with air turbulence making the plane feel like a speedboat running over choppy waters! To make matters worse, we were forced to circle Schiphol for what seemed like an eternity because planes had to queue to land on auto-pilot because of poor ground visibility!
What? Did they tell you this?!
des wrote:I nearly crapped myself when we dropped through what I thought was a cloud and the runway came screaming towards us a split second before we hit the tarmac!
We were 45 minutes late landing, but it didn’t really matter ‘cos we couldn’t check in at the houseboat till 2pm! By the time we’d caught the train into the city we still had 3 hours to kill so we went and had some brekky and then hit Barney’s for the first spliff of the trip!
The newbies were awestruck with Barney’s, so 4 of us agreed to go and find the boat, fagging all the bags between us, while the others sloped off to Popeye’s to carry on their mongfest!
I got dicked with my niece’s bag! Fuck me! … What do women pack when they go on holiday? I had 3 shirts, 3 pairs of socks and undies and a change of pants! My niece’s bag felt like it had a dozen house bricks in the cunt!
lol
des wrote:Still, the owner had assured us the boat was only 5 minutes walk from Centraal Station so I wasn’t too concerned! An hour later, hopelessly lost and sweating like a glassblower’s arse I was starting to change my mind!
No fucker had even heard of the street we were looking for until my nephew had the genius idea of going in a newsagent’s shop and asking for directions there! Luckily the guy knew exactly where we were looking for and with his help we were sat on the boat 5 minutes later!
Where was it? Did you not get a map on your phone...
des wrote:Me and the Missus were so ‘cream crackered’ after all the stress, weed and bag humping that we decided to pass on the Popeye’s meet up, so while my son and nephew went to find the others we sat on the roof terrace and enjoyed a big fat spliff of the ‘Dr Grinspoon’ I’d picked up earlier in Barney’s!
When the kids came back en masse they found me and the Missus giving it big zeds on the living room settees!
Nicely done.
des wrote:That night, with my nephew navigating, we made our way down to Barney’s! The boat owner was a fuckin’ lying cunt! 5 minutes walk my arse! An Olympic speed walker would have struggled to do it in under 15!
Barney’s was chocker so we went to the new Dampkring instead (the old Pink Floyd) and sat upstairs on the second floor (3rd floor if you’re a ‘Merkin) They now have waitress service in here, which is cool ‘cos you don’t have to keep schlepping up and down all those stairs every time you want a drink!
That is cool.
des wrote:Just about everyone scored something different off the sizeable weed menu (I got some Red Congolese, WTF?)
Now nicely toasted we had dinner at the Argentinian Steakhouse nearby!
I had the lamb cutlets with a jacket potato while most of the kids plumped for the rack of ribs with ‘jockey’s whips’
We headed over to the DeKuil with the intention of making my niece whitey on vapo-bags of Amnesia Haze, but the place was heaving so we decided to kill two birds with one stone and strolled over to the RLD to let the newbies experience the window girls and get stoned into the bargain!
lol. Man I find the whole thing hilarious. Your either a really cool Dad or a terrible example! Probably cool though as this is mostly hilarious.
des wrote:I was surprised to find the ‘Old Church’ had closed so we walked up to the middle of the 3 ‘Bulldogs’ where you can smoke weed and have a drinkypoo at the same time! I was pleasantly surprised when we managed to cop 2 tables side by side that accommodated all 8 of us nicely!
I went to the bar to get lagers for me and the Missus only to see everyone else streaming out of the place behind me!
“Come on, Dad! … They don’t sell weed in here!†said my daughter! “I fuckin’ know that!†I replied “What’s wrong with smoking the shit you’ve already got?â€
I was wasting my breath, they were gone, so me and the Missus necked our beers in one gulp and followed the kids down to the ‘Bulldog’ coffeeshop!
While sipping my latte and tooting on a spliff of their ‘White Widow’ it occurred to me that I’d left my beanie hat on the table back in the bar! “Did one of you cunts pick my titfer up off the table when you split?†I queried.
They all gave a negative response and I flew into an incandescent rage!
LOL
des wrote:I’d had that hat since I’d bought it at Barney’s on our first ever trip to Mokum back in 2002, and it had great sentimental value!
One of the kids offered to go and fag it, so I sat there chunnering in my coffee that “Some cunt’s bound to have had it away with my favourite hat!†till he came back 10 minutes later with said hat in hand!
I understand your pain but I imagine that most people would probably pass on a crusty 12 year old beanie, lol.
des wrote:We called in at ‘Popeye’s’ on the way home and got nicely monged on the 'Lemon Haze' for the trek back to the boat!
That night as I was drifting off to sleep I could hear the kids mimicking my hat rage rant and howling with laughter while they sat up on the roof terrace getting ripped!
I couldn’t help but smile myself, but made a mental note to lighten up!
Peace, Des.
Very good: 8/10. Also, sorry for picking your report apart but it had to be done. Also, paragraphs.
Re: Halloween I
Generous_J wrote:Not to pry too much but what's the story with the niece and nephew? Is that your siblings children? What are they up to?!
They're my wife's sister's kids! My niece has lived with us since her Mum died 11 years ago! My nephew lives with my wife's brother!
Generous_J wrote:What? Did they tell you this?!
Yes, the captain announced it over the tannoy! He had to say something! ... We were banked over doing a big anti-clockwise circle for the best part of a hour! People were starting to flap a bit and asking the stewardesses what was wrong! My nephew told me afterwards that we got buzzed by a Typhoon jet fighter while over the North Sea! I'm glad I didn't know at the time, or I really would have been shitting myself!
Generous_J wrote:Where was it? Did you not get a map on your phone...
We didn't bother with a map 'cos the owner's directions made it sound like a piece of piss to find! His claim that the boat was only a '5 minute walk from Centraal Station' was a right fuckin' bum steer!
Generous_J wrote:I understand your pain but I imagine that most people would probably pass on a crusty 12 year old beanie, lol.
Oi, you cheeky cunt! ... I bet that hat's a fuckin' collector's item after all these years!
Peace, Des.
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Re: Halloween I
des wrote:They're my wife's sister's kids! My niece has lived with us since her Mum died 11 years ago!
Fair play.
des wrote:We were banked over doing a big anti-clockwise g! ... We were banked over doing a big anti-clockwise circle for the best part of a hour! People were starting to flap a bit and asking the stewardesses what was wrong! My nephew told me afterwards that we got buzzed by a Typhoon jet fighter while over the North Sea! I'm glad I didn't know at the time, or I really would have been shitting myself!
Fuck that!
Re: Halloween I
Generous_J wrote:des wrote:We were banked over doing a big anti-clockwise circle for the best part of a hour! People were starting to flap a bit and asking the stewardesses what was wrong! My nephew told me afterwards that we got buzzed by a Typhoon jet fighter while over the North Sea! I'm glad I didn't know at the time, or I really would have been shitting myself!
Fuck that!
Could have been worse! ... We could have been on board this motherfucker ...
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news ... ne-4570405
Peace, Des.
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