Bloodstains, whities, police and other shit Part II

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des
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Bloodstains, whities, police and other shit Part II

Postby des » Fri Oct 24, 3:23 pm

We went down to breakfast not expecting much, but even by Dutch standards it was fuckin’ dire!

A cup of coffee, bread, boiled eggs, plastic cheese and crappy processed ham! There was no OJ and worst of all no fuckin’ toaster ... WTF!
I made a couple of egg butties then went upstairs to tell the kids they’d miss breakfast if they didn’t hurry up!

They told me to ‘Fuck Off!’

A couple of the oldies had set off early for a side trip to Utrecht, so four of us caught the tram up to Damrak and tried to find a bar to have a few scoops! Everywhere was shut so we had a wander round the RLD and took some photos of the statue erected in honour of the whores! A big black bird offered me a blow job by sucking an imaginary cock through the window of her kamer! For some reason I gave her the thumbs up which earned me a slap round the head off the missus!
It wasn’t long before the bars opened and we had a few beers in the Irish pub opposite the Oude Kirk! I wanted to do some sightseeing, so we cut the Bro in Law and his missus loose and promised to meet up with them later to watch the Liverpool – Man City game!

We wandered through the RLD in the general direction of Waterlooplein stopping in some of the sex shops along the way! One had a sale on and I got a really great ‘Mexican Housewife Sluts’ DVD for €5 (I knew those good Catholic girls wouldn’t shave their pussies) and a cat o’ nine tails for the Missus!

Up on Waterlooplein we went and had a look at the NAP gauges at the Muziektheater (which was shit) and a gander at the ‘Bloodstained House of Coenraad van Beuningen’ which was really cool! (thanks Sue)

I was fuckin’ Hank Marvin by now so we walked down to the ‘Three Sisters’ pub on Rembrandtplein and had BLT sandwiches washed down with a couple of pints of Guinness! Lovely!

It dawned on me that it was after midday and we hadn’t had a spliff, so we called in at the Dampkring where I scored a gram each of ‘Oceans Twelve’ and some ‘Cheese’
The place was packed so we had to squeeze in next to some Dutchies at the table nearest the door!
It started to piss it down so we took our time and had a spliff of each weed and a couple of coffees hoping it would pass over! It didn’t!
We stomped up Rokin ripped to the tits with both of us trying to shelter under my wife’s poxy little umbrella! By the time we’d walked down Damrak we were soaked but in high spirits!

We were going to go in the Oude Kirk and have a look round before meeting up with the bro in law but as we approached The Grasshopper we bumped into the kids!

‘Dad, Dad, we’ve lost Our Shady!’ exclaimed my daughter! (‘Shady’ is my teenage son)
They explained that he’d gone missing somewhere in the RLD while they were making their way over to the De Kuil coffeeshop! I made them show me the last place they’d seen him. It was outside the Cockring!

I sent the kids over to the De Kuil in case he made his own way there while me and the Missus schlepped the length and breadth of the RLD in the pissing down rain looking for the dozy cunt!
I phoned the kids to see if he’d turned up, but he hadn’t so I phoned the bro in law to tell him why we were late! He was in a bar somewhere but Liverpool were 2-0 down so he wasn’t too arsed about coming to help us search!

Eventually we decided he’d prolly made his own way back to the hotel, so we caught the tram and went to check! When he wasn’t there I started to flap a bit! He’d been missing for almost 3 hours and he’d been monged since the minute we arrived in Amsterdam! I knew he had plenty of money on him so why hadn’t he simply got a taxi back to the hotel?

The bro in law and nephew volunteered to come back to the RLD and help me look for him!
I was soaked through to the fuckin’ underpants as we split up and combed the area from top to bottom! A phone call to the hotel confirmed he still hadn’t shown up there so with great reluctance I went in a shop and asked the owner where the nearest police station was!
He directed us down a dodgy looking alleyway and we eventually came to a steel shuttered door with a buzzer on it! We buzzed and the door clicked open! We entered only to find we were in the arrest room where the crims get worked over by Old Bill! A copper came out and told us the public desk was round the front of the building! D’oh!
The desk sergeant wasn’t very sympathetic when we told him our tale! I don’t think stoned 19 year old English boys are very high on their list of priorities, but he assured us none had been fished out dead from one of the canals! We left my wife’s mobile number with him and he promised he’d let him make a phone call if he turned up there!

We walked back to the hotel in the hope of spotting him, but to no avail! I stripped out of my sodden clothes and laid on the hotel bed wondering what to do next! He’d been missing for over 5 hours now and all sorts of unsavoury thoughts were running through my mind!

Just then there I heard a commotion out in the corridor ... I went out in my grundies to see the Prodigal Son being welcomed home like a hero by the rest of the kids!
He was as wet as if he’d jumped in a swimming pool! ‘Where the fuck have you been?� everyone wanted to know!

Turns out he’d been at the back of the pack walking through the RLD and was following the umbrellas the others were using! Because he’s 6’4� that was all he could see, and when he got distracted he’d followed a bunch of Japanese women who had similar umbrellas!

By the time he realised his mistake the others had gone and he’d wandered round looking for them till he got hopelessly lost! He couldn’t remember the name of the hotel, or even which part of the city we were staying in so he’d just mooched round aimlessly in the hope of bumping into one of us!

Eventually (after almost 5 Hours) it had dawned on him that he had the key card to the hotel in his wallet and luckily it had a photograph on the front from which you could just about make out the hotel name!
God only knows whereabouts in the city he’d ended up but it only cost him €10 in the taxi, so it can’t have been that far!

Elated at his safe return I had the quickest shower of my life and got ready to go out and celebrate!

As quick as I was the kids were quicker and they’d already gnashed up to Rembrandtplein by the time the oldies set off!

We had dinner at a nice steak house (I had lamb chops) before hitting several bars and getting rat arsed! It was getting late so we phoned the whippersnappers to find out what they where doing!

They were in Barney’s Lounge seeing if they could vapo bag their way through the entire menu!

They agreed to come and meet us in the ‘Three Sisters’ and we all went for a goodnight smoke in the ‘Bushdocter’
Everyone scored a gram (I got some ‘Blue Velvet’) and we went and made ourselves comfy on the second floor!
The goodnight smoke turned into a bit of a sesh and it was well after one when the budtender told us to sling our hooks!

By the time we’d walked back to the hotel I was cream crackered! No shafting for the Missus tonight ... not even a quick tickle and in!

I don’t think I’d even finished thanking the ‘Big Lad’ for the safe return of my son before I was giving it zeds!

Peace, Des.

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Postby Bohannon » Fri Oct 24, 4:15 pm

Great report! I love the "Britishisms" (you just call it "English")

Peace

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Postby Dano » Fri Oct 24, 4:20 pm

I wish you were my dad

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Postby boneymaroni » Fri Oct 24, 4:25 pm

Best trip report EVUH !!

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Postby bogart » Fri Oct 24, 4:49 pm

Great Des. I'm impressed with your family.

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Re: Bloodstains, whities, police and other shit Part II

Postby Sir Ian of Tokesville » Fri Oct 24, 4:54 pm

des wrote:We went down to breakfast not expecting much, but even by Dutch standards it was fuckin’ dire!

A cup of coffee, bread, boiled eggs, plastic cheese and crappy processed ham! There was no OJ and worst of all no fuckin’ toaster ... WTF!
I made a couple of egg butties then went upstairs to tell the kids they’d miss breakfast if they didn’t hurry up!


Des, you gotta book an apartment or boat and buy in your breakfasts and provisions.


des wrote:It dawned on me that it was after midday and we hadn’t had a spliff. .


More than 'dawned on me' too. Des, get a bloody grip !

des wrote:The place was packed so we had to squeeze in next to some Dutchies at the table nearest the door!


Did you remind 'em about Arnhem and all that they should be thanking us for ?

des wrote:It started to piss it down so we took our time and had a spliff of each weed and a couple of coffees hoping it would pass over! It didn’t !


I was in Amsterdam for 12 days of continual drizzle a few years back.



des wrote:followed a bunch of Japanese women who had similar umbrellas!


Hmmm . . . and he didn't notice that these 'similar' umbrellas, were being carried at full arms reach only about 3' 6'' off the ground ?


des wrote:Elated at his safe return I had the quickest shower of my life and got ready to go out and celebrate!

As quick as I was the kids were quicker and they’d already gnashed up to Rembrandtplein by the time the oldies set off!


I would have sent 'Shady' to bed with a proper 'clip' round the 'lughole. . . Grrr, interfere wiv my smokin' time would yer ?

des wrote:hitting several bars and getting rat arsed !


Oh good, back on track then.

des wrote:It was getting late so we phoned the whippersnappers to find out what they where doing !


Err. . 'groundhog day ?'


des wrote:They were in Barney’s Lounge seeing if they could vapo bag their way through the entire menu !


Tsk tsk, kids huh ?

des wrote:They agreed to come and meet us in the ‘Three Sisters’ and we all went for a goodnight smoke in the ‘Bushdocter’


So. . . um. . . did anyone actually tell the police that they could call it a day on dragging the canals, or did you perhaps wisely keep the search parties on active status, in case he went missing again ?

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Re: Bloodstains, whities, police and other shit Part II

Postby des » Fri Oct 24, 9:25 pm

Sir Ian of Tokesville wrote:I would have sent 'Shady' to bed with a proper 'clip' round the 'lughole. . . Grrr, interfere wiv my smokin' time would yer ?


A 'clip round the lughole' was fuck all to what I was contemplating doing to him the second time we searched the RLD!

Peace, Des.

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Postby Boner » Fri Oct 24, 9:49 pm

Top read again Des, cheers for taking the time.

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Re: Bloodstains, whities, police and other shit Part II

Postby muckypup » Fri Oct 24, 11:18 pm

des wrote:No shafting for the Missus tonight ... not even a quick tickle and in!


I'm sure she was distraught.

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Postby Sir Ian of Tokesville » Sat Oct 25, 1:53 am

I could'a used the police,

1990

Early one morning and my girlfriend and I after a night out, are happily sitting on a bench on a canalside, smoking some hash and chatting. I look up to see a pair of cars close together, slowly drive along the road on the opposite side of the canal and then disappear from view. We continue to chat and smoke.
A few minutes later the cars come back, only this time they are on our side of the canal. They stop about 10 metres away outside a restaurant which appears closed, lights off. We look and see three large Oriental looking men, get out of the second car and then they walk round to the boot, which is opened . One man reaches in and fetches out what are obviously machettes, which he hands out to the other two men !
With a machette in one hand he walks to the the first car, whilst the others go to the door of the restaurant. Meanwhile the rear door of first car is now open and a woman in the rear seat appears to be talking to this guy. As we make to leave, the guy at the car lets out a blood curdling scream, bellowing at the top of his voice. From where we are, we can clearly see a syringe hanging from his arm . The rest of the men are yelling and kicking at the door of the restaurant. My girlfriend and I are rooted to the spot, we are both so scared we cannot move, can barely breathe. . .
Next we see the door to the restaurant fly open and several men yelling and waving swords, come storming out into the street . There are men running in random paths, screaming , chasing and being chased. It all passes by and around us . The two cars reverse rapidly back along the way they had arrived and the men who arrived with them, run off in pursuit. The men from the restaurant chase the length of the canal to a bridge where they catch up with them and we and hear the sounds of violent hand to hand fighting. I grab her hand and we are just able to stagger away and then we start to run, not knowing where we are heading, just running hoping to find police, but it is late and the streets are empty. We see a taxi and flag it down by yelling , banging on the windscreen and force the driver to let us get in.

When we get back to the hotel, we are both in absolute bits. My girlfriend is convinced that we will be followed to the hotel and killed and no amount of trying to reason with her will help. So I phone the reception and fetch the duty receptionist to our room. He's extremely unhappy to be woken, but on seeing the state of both of us he calms down and agrees to call the police. Our flight home is only a few hours away. We lock the door and push the bed up against it. I turn on the News Channel to try and find out what has happened, whilst we wait for the police to arrive. But the Police don't arrive and the Amsterdam News Channel incredibly is saying nothing , so we call for a taxi and make a dash for Schipol.

In the taxi my girlfriend is hiding her face in her hands and is visably shaking. I try and stay calm, but I too am very worried; What if we are stopped at the airport by the police ? Hows it going to look ? Did anyone see us ? Will we be required to take to the witness stand ? It looked like a Triad war, I don't want to be ivolved in that ; Who were the bad guys anyway ?

After a nervous hour we pass through check-in and customs and board our flight. Every second feels like an hour and my heart is racing and my girlfriend is no better. We fly in silence, not daring to catch sight of each others frightened faces.

When we get to Heathrow, the whole thing is repeated, but the sight of British police and Customs feels more reassuring. We clear customs and walk out of the airport . A quick glance over my shoulder and for most part I feel safe and free. It's good to home.

I feel the grip of my girlfriends hand in mine loosen, for the first time in what has been hours, I turn to look at her and she returns my look , smiles and says . . . .

























''Tokesville. . just tell me,
what the fuck did you put in that last joint ?''

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Postby Generous_J » Sat Oct 25, 1:33 pm

Ian- Scaredy cat!

Des- Brilliant stuff, thoroughly entertaining. Its funny that you guys say "our" Shady, Cracks me up. I bet he snuck off intentionally to el RLD. Part 3?

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Postby des » Sat Oct 25, 5:25 pm

Generous_J wrote:Ian- Scaredy cat!

Des- Brilliant stuff, thoroughly entertaining. Its funny that you guys say "our" Shady, Cracks me up. I bet he snuck off intentionally to el RLD. Part 3?


I wondered if he'd been spotted by the big black whore and snuck back to give her more than a 'thumbs up,' but he's adamant the thought never crossed his mind!

I'll dig a bit deeper the next time we go out for a drink together!


Peace, Des.

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Re: Bloodstains, whities, police and other shit Part II

Postby smokedpeppers » Wed Oct 29, 1:18 am

des wrote:‘They explained that he’d gone missing somewhere in the RLD!
Peace, Des.


like gone missing in a candy store

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Re: Bloodstains, whities, police and other shit Part II

Postby smokey007 » Wed Oct 29, 3:35 pm

muckypup wrote:
des wrote:No shafting for the Missus tonight ... not even a quick tickle and in!


I'm sure she was distraught.




lol


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